2015 -Journey of Forgiveness - Talk-EQLg-kHxwCA.en.vtt.txt

From: https://youtube.com/watch?v=EQLg-kHxwCA

Context: Throughout this transcript, Bhante Vimalaramsi is the speaker unless otherwise indicated.

now the thing with forgiveness is you

will see that you have an attachment to

either yourself or someone else and that

attachment can be quite strong and you

have a memory of something somebody did

that you didn't really like very much I

mean it could be a very violent thing or

it could be a very heavy emotional thing

it doesn't really matter what it is

that's the content what your job is is

to forgive that person for causing you

pain you forgive yourself for causing

yourself pain you forgive somebody else

for causing you pain and you hear them

say back to you I forgive you too that's

how you let go that's how you let go of

these old attachments and every time you

do that you will feel a sense of relief

ah alright and you don't have any hard

feelings towards that person now there

was one lady that came to me and she had

been raped and she really really had a

very big dislike and anger towards the

person that did it to her

so what she worked with it for a period

of days I don't remember exactly it was

like two weeks or something and she

finally was able to forgive him and she

said what happens if I see him again I

said you're not gonna run up and give

him a hug but you can avoid so something

like that won't even happen again but

you don't need to hate that person hate

the act but let go of the hatred so

you're letting go of your attachment to

that person and when you do that it

clears your mind up very very much not

just a little bit your mind becomes

super clear and you know what is the

right action to take when you get in a

situation so this is how you overcome

sadness this is how you overcome

depression this is how you overcome fear

and hatred and anxiety is by forgiving

and allowing that person to be I was

talking when was it last night about

couples you're always like that

you want to keep them acting in the same

way over and over and over again you

hold that image of them always being

that way and they will not disappoint

you

they will act that way but when you

forgive them you're giving them the

space to act differently you're not

holding them like they're they were in a

diamond or something and they couldn't

move when you forgive them and allow

that person to be able to act in a more

natural way then there's more harmony in

with you and with the other person and

that harmony starts to spread out not

only with you - you're good as a couple

but that harmony starts to spread out to

kids and it starts to spread out to

other people around you what do you

think and ponder on that's the

inclination of your mind right if you

think and ponder on how this person

always acts this way and how you oh you

really don't like it well your mind is

thinking and pondering on them being

that way and they will really be that

way but when you start to relax you're

thinking about them and you start having

a mind that has more equanimity in it

this is what loving kindness leads to

this is what forgiveness leads to and

loving kindness and forgiveness are just

different aspects of the same thing okay

loving kindness is is a softening of

your personality forgiveness when you

actually forgive there's a softening of

the personality and there's more

spaciousness in your mind and that's the

whole point of doing the forgiveness

meditation now I did this for a couple

of years because I wanted to delve in

and really understand what loving

kindness and forgiveness was all about

and when my father died I was 13 years

old and I was his favorite of all my

brothers I was his favorite and I knew I

was his favorite and he would do things

like he had to travel on his job and he

would take me out of school so I could

travel with it so when he died I was

angry at him for leaving isn't that odd

to be angry at somebody because they did

something it was out of their own

control and I held on to that and that

that anger turned into a lot of sadness

and depression and all kinds of really

unwholesome unpleasant things coming up

in my mind as I was growing up as a

teenager and I held on to that anger and

dissatisfaction for a long time

until I started forgiving and then I

started seeing the sense of well it

wasn't his fault why should I be angry

at him where does this anger come from

why does it arise don't really need to

have it around anymore but I was

attached because those are the thoughts

that came up first right as he died I

didn't like that situation I didn't want

to be around that situation and I was

angry because he wasn't going to be able

to raise me in the hardest part of being

a human being being a teenager he wasn't

going to be around and I missed him

incredibly so I had to forgive him for

all of that and was i forgiving him not

really I was forgiving myself and then

that softens your personality and you

start to have a more accepting mind of

being around those kind of situations

so dad's I grew up and I started being

an adult I started seeing the importance

of being around people when they died so

that they could die with a happy

uplifted mind there's a thing in in

Buddhism there it's called the five

visions of the afterlife and a lot of

people not everyone but almost everyone

has a vision right before they die and

their last thought is the the thing that

says what realm they're going to be

reborn in okay if somebody has a

dissatisfaction thought as they're dying

the dislike thought then they're

probably going to be reborn in a Hell

realm and it's gonna last for a little

period of time however long and then

they'll be reborn into another realm and

they'll stay on the wheel of samsara

now sometimes people have a thought of

material things they had to have some

read in their mind like there was in

India Bangladesh there was a man and

their custom is that they when they die

on this mattress that gets cremated with

them and it was a brand-new mattress and

this man had a thought about that

wanting to be pulled off of that

mattress and put on an old one so that

his family could have this other

mattress and he saw a real scary black

hairy being and he was starting to grab

this guy's legs and he was starting to

pull him away and in this man's mind my

friend was with him and he saw that

that's what was happening and he started

encouraging that the men start thinking

about the Buddha Dhamma Sangha because

he was a Buddhist and he started

thinking about the precepts and keeping

the precepts and that vision would went

away so that's one of the advantages of

being with people as they died when you

talk to them and they see these

different kinds of vision there are some

people that have this idea of wanting to

go to the like the American Indians the

happy hunting grounds and being with

animals and that sort of thing and if

they have a vision of animals they'll

read be be reborn as an animal and when

they're reborn as an animal it takes a

long long time to get out of that they

keep being reborn as an animal over and

over again and this is another thing

that that happens for quite a few people

if they have a vision of their past

family members that means they're going

to be reborn in the human realm but my

friend that he wrote this book about it

and what he tried to do was he would

keep chanting and getting this person to

resat recite the precepts even if they

didn't have enough energy to actually

recite them to recite them in his mind

and then he started having visions of

heavenly beings coming down in a chariot

to take him away and I thought that was

real interesting that whole that whole

scenario and I didn't believe it blindly

okay the Buddha said it prove it I want

to see this stuff so I went and I

started working at my mother's nursing

home and I was with a lady that had a

disease where her brain was shrinking

and she'd lost her memory and I spent

every day with her trying to get her to

remember happy times and get her to talk

about Pleasant things that you've done

and how she helped other people and that

sort of

thing but while I was there I had the

opportunity to be with a few not a whole

lot but a few people as they were dying

and I my mother ran the nursing home

which was very fortunate for me and she

would tell me that this person is going

to die in the next two or three days so

I would spend a lot of time with them

and they were Christians so I was

reading from the Bible I'm not trying to

convert anybody to anything if that's

what they're comfortable with then

that's a good thing for them to listen

to and I happen to find in the book of

Matthew I don't remember exactly where

it is anymore but there was the rest

that the the writing of the precepts so

I would tell them okay this I didn't

want to shake them up I didn't never

told him I was a Buddhist I say this is

from the Bible and this is what this

says can you repeat that in your mind

and that they would their mind their

minds would become very peaceful and

very calm and when they died the quite

often they died with a little smile on

their face and I thought that was a good

thing to do now going from having this

horrible experience of my father dying

when I was 13 years old and being alone

and afraid and so caught up in my own

emotional dissatisfaction and I had that

until I started doing the forgiveness

and after I did the forgiveness

then I started spending more time with

people as they were dying because I

understood more what was going through

their minds and some people they they

really I started working with a hospice

and I was with this man as he was

starting to die and he started talking

about this real scary being that was

starting to pull him away and I

recognized that that was because he had

some sensual desire and greed in his

mind for something and then I would get

them to start reciting the the precepts

and then that vision would go away and

then it would be very peaceful and calm

for a period of time and when he died he

was completely accepting of the fact of

dying and he was quite content and had

this angelic look on his face when he

died I was really kind of inspiring but

I wouldn't have been able to do that if

I still had that old baggage those old

attachments of fear and sadness and

anxiety and and dislike and the hatred

of that whole situation I wouldn't have

been able to bend clear enough to help

so the forgiveness meditation is a very

powerful meditation

it is very necessary what I found is to

carry it with you all the time and when

somebody says something that your mind

grabs on to and says I don't like that

then you start forgiving that person

right then forgiving yourself for your

mind being crazy and doing that kind of

thing it's okay to be crazy because we

all are so the more you can relax into

and forgive as much as possible during

the day that starts changing your

perspective of everything so you start

having more balance in your mind you

don't get knocked off balance by your

emotional upsets because we've already

let go of the cause of the emotional

upsets so it's a real important aspect

to do the forgiveness and when you're

walking don't let your mind ho-hum

around stay with your object of

meditation stay with on your right foot

in your mind you say I on your left foot

forgive on your right foot myself I

forgive you I forgive myself I forgive

you

the whole thing with a lot of the

Buddha's practice is to take the

unwholesome and make it wholesome and

you need to develop practicing the

forgiveness whenever you need it and

it'll put you through some changes

you'll remember things that happened

that were well they might have happened

when they're four or five years old I

stole something or I said something that

wasn't true and then you can forgive

that you don't have to hold that guilt

anymore so it's a real important aspect

of loving kindness to have that

forgiveness and practice it if you need

it okay now if you're gonna do that you

have to make a determination not to go

any higher than the first jhana because

have you done other meditation your mind

will have a tendency to go deep into the

meditation and you lose the forgiveness

and then you use you don't really have

an object to meditation so you may need

to make that determination to go no

higher than the first jhana because you

need the verbalization you need to say I

forgive myself for not understanding I

forgive myself for making mistakes now

we are our own hardest critic and we

have to stop doing that

and that leads to happiness that leads

to well-being it leads to a much lighter

mind and for some people that have done

a lot of meditation in the past because

they've already developed their

concentration they can stay with the

forgiveness for longer periods of time

and that's good

not trying to progress with any of that

but the longer you can stay with the

forgiveness and fir and truly forgive

yourself for not being perfect and

forgive yourself for making mistakes

then your mind becomes softer and you'll

get to a place where your mind says I

don't need to do this anymore

so ok then go back to your

loving-kindness you can do that

love and the forgiveness meditation is

the most powerful meditation that I know

because it cuts out all of these old

thoughts and feelings of this is me this

is mine I did this cuts those away

I say cuts that's kind of a harsh word

it takes them away and it helps your

mind become more settled and at ease so

when hindrances do come and they will

it's much easier to let go of them and

say well if I forgive everything and my

mind says I don't need to do that

anymore that doesn't mean forever and

ever amen because how many lifetimes

have we lived and caused ourselves so

much pain and suffering and other people

around us and there might be some of

that coming up now so you don't need to

know what it is necessarily you just

have to keep forgiving and forgive

during your daily activities and anytime

your mind gets tight with

dissatisfaction or dislike don't react

like you always act respond by forgiving

I had no idea I was gonna be doing that

tonight Thanks I appreciate that it's

really kind of interesting I gave a talk

on forgiveness too about oh I must have

been three or four hundred typos in

Chicago and very few of them even came

and they all spoke good English they

came they didn't even come close to

understanding what I was saying because

they have this philosophy of never mind

you said this you did this never mind

like they don't hold on to it in their

mind and that philosophy has actually

hurt a lot of people because they're

still holding on to their attachment

they're not letting it go anyway it is a

wonderful meditation to help clear

things out and if you feel like you

don't need to do it right now don't if

your your meditation is going good and

you're starting to go deep and you don't

feel and any emotional stuff coming up

and you can just continue on because

your mind is getting pure every time you

use the six hours and that might take

some of that old attachment away before

it even has a chance

to come up so it's a real important

practice and use it skillfully there's a

lot of New Age words that I kind of back

away from then letting it be is one of

them if you don't if you let it be and

you don't relax the tightness caused by

that distraction you're not helping

yourself with your meditation and you're

not allowing the space for yourself to

change and this is a big one this is

really a big one Buddhism is about

change it's about you learning how to

allow the space for yourself to change

and become more happy more in balance

with everything more settled